Dear Lisa,

My husband was a long time bachelor and feels like it's his way or the highway most times. Obviously he took the time to bring me into his life, but now that we're married it's still nearly all about him.  He doesn't want to share closet space, he belittles my opinion (because he knows best in his view), basically, though I know he loves me, he makes me feel like a roommate instead of a wife. When I try to discuss things with him, it normally ends in a verbally abusive argument - him pissed off and me in tears.

 

Though, begrudgingly, he's accepted to go to marriage counseling if it will save our marriage, I feel like it won't do us any good if he's just going to make me happy. Any advice?

 

-Frustrated near San Francisco

 

 

Dear Frustrated near San Francisco,

 

I can see why this situation is frustrating and deeply painful to you. No one likes to feel invisible or unloved, especially by a spouse. When we meet and marry our spouse we hold a secret desire that our new mate will fill all of our emptiness and unmet needs. Sadly, our mates are not equipped for that and our unmet needs remain unmet eventually interfering with our ability to have happy relationships.

 

It’s obvious how much you have put into this relationship. In some ways you have invested so much in this relationship you have lost a part of yourself to it. Which is why when you look to your spouse for validation and love it feels like he has stolen something precious from you rather than provided you with the nurturing support you wanted to begin with. It seems like the harder you try to get things on track the more resistance builds up in the relationship (and the lonelier and angrier you feel).

 

Maybe it’s time for another approach. You can take the resistance out of your relationship by shifting the focus. Instead of putting the emphasis on what isn’t working and on all of your husband’s poor behaviors try shifting your focus and energy toward rediscovering “you.” It’s important that you take some time to reconnect with all those parts of yourself you feel have been lost and to understand what your needs are and where they are coming from. In shifting the focus away from all the problems (you aren’t ignoring them) you are creating space in your relationship - giving it needed breathing room so the tension between you and your spouse can ease up. And who knows in the process of finding yourself you may both find one another again!