Dear Miss Deb,

My toddler has been having these horrendous temper tantrums. I don't know what to do to stop them. Any ideas?

Frazzled in Philly

Dear Frazzled in Philly,

My oldest daughter was the queen and ruler of the temper tantrum! Her fits were legendary! Here's what we decided:

1. Kids get mad. Temper tantrums are how they show it. She had a right to feel anger, but it was our job to teach her how to deal with it. We designated a 'crying towel' and a pillow. When she would go into her rages, I'd hand her the towel, provide a safe place for her to throw her fit, and walk away. Most of the time, their fits are for show and if no one is watching, it will dissipate very quickly. Then we would discuss better ways of handling her anger. Toddlers can understand these conversations and it really helps. When the temper tantrum was over quickly, we would tell her how proud we were that she was able to calm down quickly.

2. Avoid temper tantrums whenever possible, and within reason. If she demanded two cookies or crackers or whatever the snack of the moment was, I would break one in half and then she would have one for each fist. If she insisted on holding the cup herself, I made sure she was on vinyl or something easy to clean up. If she insisted on feeding herself, we let her. I learned to keep a camera handy! Mashed potatoes are not fun to clean up. Vinyl flooring is a miracle.

3. I am the parent. I am bigger, stronger, more patient than she is. I understand choice and consequence. I get the awesome joy of teaching that to my toddler. Remember too, being stronger also means I have to have more control over my own emotions.

4. No yelling. Although I had to talk loud to be heard, screaming at the top of my lungs only taught her that throwing a fit is ok. Lead by example.

5. If I wanted her to come to me, and she wouldn't, I would go get her. You have to be quick because toddlers move fast.

6. Be patient. This too shall pass. However, what she learns now will affect how she behaves when she's a teenager. She is easier to catch when she's two.